The 2021 Halloween Party

Alright folks, it's story time! But I should give some background here because I went solo. At the last Halloween party this nice young lefty Christian woman babysat for us for part of the party. When I finally asked about sitting, she was unable to do it. I don’t know her super well (well enough to watch my child, but I digress), but she was attending community college for her first two years out of high school and living at home. For the Fall of 2021, she transferred to a four year college and is living on campus. So, no go. :( Thankfully my wife was fine staying home to watch our kid for the Halloween party, and I suspect she wasn’t too bummed because I think she might find him to be a little bit much sometimes. Alright, so that’s out of the way. Here’s how the party went down!

8:15pm: I arrive in my Luigi from Mario Brothers costume and a four pack of Southern Tier Pumking (as a side note this stuff is SO GOOD). As I enter the house there’s a few folks here and nothing to crazy just yet. The first people I see are Lincoln and his wife Olivia. You may recall from two years ago this guy has gone as the God damn Hamburglar for like ten years in a row on Halloween because he didn’t want to get a new costume. In all fairness to Lincoln, I thought about going as Rick from Rick and Morty again because I already have the costume so I sort of get it. Anyway, he went as Bob Belcher and his wife as Linda Belcher from Bob’s Burgers. I just laugh because he changes his hamburger costume for… a different hamburger costume. We’re conversing a bit, talking about family stuff and a good five minutes into it who else but, you guessed it, my hilarious Italian neighbor (hereonin: HIN)! 

“HEY BRO HAHAHA GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT HOW YOU DOIN’!? LET’S GET YOU A DRINK SO YOU DON’T TAKE ONE OF THOSE MAGIC STARS AND DESTROY EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE HAHAHA!” he says, with a firm slap on the back in his Ghostbusters jumpsuit, logo, proton pack, and everything.

I show him the beer I brought and he’s insisting we all do an Irish Car Bomb. I say it maybe we should call it an Italian Car Bomb because he is Italian and Luigi is an Italian character. This causes us to look up if that’s an actual drink and as it turns out, it is. I read what all goes into it and HIN is not pleased.

“AHH MAN THAT’S WEAK THAT’S JUST A JAEGERBOMB! I’M GONNA MAKE MY OWN RECIPE LATER LET’S GO SLAM DOWN SOME BOMBS C’MON!”

So the four of us go into the kitchen, I put my beer in the fridge, and we get them read. We cheers with the shots of Jameson, drop in our shots of Guinness, and chug away. HIN let’s out a loud Ric Flair style “WOO!” after he finishes his and even does the Ric Flair strut. I grab one of my beers, and we just start having a casual chat about how things are going, however, we are interrupted by Italian the Mountain (also wearing a Ghostbusters costume) because there is serious business they need to take care of. Said serious business is a game of beer pong against a guy in a Garfield the cat costume and another guy in a dinosaur costume I would come to learn. The serious business was also described as having to “kick their asses in beer pong” by Italian the Mountain. 

Fair enough. Anyway, before he leaves he tells “OH BRO I GOT TO INTRODUCE YOU WHEN THEY GET HERE, I WORK WITH A GUY NOW AND HIS WIFE SHE STUDIES RUSSIANS BRO MAYBE YOU TWO COULD RESEARCH TOGETHER!” I do not feel like getting into everything wrong with this, so I just sort of laugh and say that sounds cool, good luck with the beer pong. I head over the corner of the kitchen, text my wife, and sip my beer.

8:45pm: I decide to watch the beer pong matchup between Garfield the cat, a dinosaur, and the two Ghostbusters. It was a pretty close matchup and looked like HIN and Italian the Mountain were going to lose at one point as they had three cups to get down and Garfield the cat and the dinosaur only had one. But after two back and forth misses, Italian the Mountain nails three shots in a row for the victory! They give each other a big high five and HIN lifts Italian the Mountain’s arm in victory like a boxing referee would and shouts “OHHH YEAH! WE CAME, WE SAW, WE KICKED ASS!” and immediately after turns to me and says “YO BRO HELP YOURSELF TO SOMETHING TO EAT! KATIE (his wife) MAKES THE FREAKIN’ BEST CAPANOTA I SWEAR IT’S ALL RIGHT OVER THERE IN THE OTHER ROOM.” I was actually getting a little hungry and they were about the have a beer pong rematch so why not? I chill for a bit as they start a second match, finish up my beer, go for another, and head out.

9:15pm: I gather a plate with some of the capanota dip, bread, and some bar pretzel mix and happen to see HIN’s wife Katie shortly after I gathered my plate. I hadn’t really spoken to her just yet so I went over to say hi. She’s just asking how the wife, kid, and dog are, I’m asking about her work and her kids as well (both are off to college now) and at some point a couple approaches. The woman happens to be the person HIN was talking about earlier who “studies Russians.” As it turns out, she is a senior lecturer at the same university I am at and teaches the Russian language and courses on Russian literature. She has previously written papers a few papers on Russian literature, but as her primary duty is teaching she is not writing many papers. So there’s nothing too eventful here, we’re just talking academia, our university, my role at the university, grad school, etc. Pretty neat coincidence and it was a fun conversation, although nothing particularly hilarious happened, which you’re all here for. So I’ll skip ahead.

9:50pm: HIN comes over by us to say hi and is pleased that I have spoken to the fellow academic at the party. I finished up my second Pumking, which is a pretty high ABV beer, so I’m feeling pretty good right about now. HIN encourages me to go get another one and chug it. I decline because it is a very strong beer and inform him I’m just gonna grab a cup and drink the keg beer because it’s weaker. He informs me that this year there is a price and I’m kind of taken aback, but whatever. I apologize for assuming and ask what’s the price, to which I am informed the cost is that I “HAVE TO CHUG DOWN A CUP HAHA BRO GOTCHA!” Fair price, so I oblige and am met with a laugh and a powerful high five. He once again encourages me to slam my Pumking that I have in the fridge and I explain it again that it is probably one of my favorite beers but it’s powerful. I tell him if he wants he can have one of mine because it’s good but I definitely don’t need four of them plus other booze. He accepts, opens it up, and takes a sip. His eyes open up real wide:

“BRO… IT TASTE LIKE FUCKIN’ PUMPKIN PIE! HOW DID THEY DO THAT?! YO!”

His mind was currently being blown so he yelled “yo” to have Italian the Mountain come by.

“HAVE YOU EVER HAD THIS BEFORE?” HIN asks.

“No, why? What is it?” Italian the Mountain replies.

“I’M TELLING YOU IT’S CRAZY I NEVER SAW ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE THEY PUT A PUMPKIN PIE BUT INSTEAD IT’S A BEER BRO IT’S CRAZY YOU GOTTA TRY!”

“A pumpkin pie in a beer? They can’t do that. I don’t know HIN, I just stick to my stuff,” Italian the mountain responds.

“JUST GIVE IT A SHOT I’M TELLING YOU IT’S CRAZY!” HIN insists.

Italian the Mountain takes a drink. His eyes also light up “Oh holy shit, that’s crazy. Wow. How do they do that?”

I mention that I know a decent amount about this kind of stuff so I explain the process of making beer, particularly this type of beer to them, to which HIN responds “AND THAT’S WHY HE’S THE FREAKIN’ PROFESSOR HAHA!” After a little more chit chat, a younger guy in a referee costume comes up to him and yells “DANCE BATTLE!”

10:20pm: I follow HIN et al. to the room downstairs where there is apparently going to be a dance battle. There’s some stuff being set up (mostly a laptop being booted up so it could be connected to some bluetooth speakers). HIN and the referee battle it out to some House music from probably 2006. Unfortunately for HIN the referee has some pretty sweet dance moves and won the crowd easily, and HIN knew it was over for him so he declared the referee the winner to a round of cheers. Referee guy then battled a woman in a Wonder Woman costume who also lost to his sweet dance moves. Finally, Garfield the cat tries to go toe to toe in a dance contest and once again the referee is declared the victor by the crowd, at which point after three consecutive victories he declares “I’m done.” 

Shortly thereafter, HIN disappeared for a moment and returns with a replica wrestling world title belt and declares him the dance champion of the party. Funny that it is the guy in the referee costume who won it all! Anyway, the dance battle has ended, and Katie turned on some more recognizable music, which kicked off with “Everybody” by the Backstreet Boys and some folks hit the floor to party and dance down. Of course I had to go up to HIN and ask him to put “Satisfaction” by Benny Benassi on it, at which point he reassured me I “DON’T EVEN NEED TO WORRY ABOUT IT BRO OF COURSE IT’S ON THERE” and that the song will be coming up soon. Sure enough, after a few songs, it comes on. I insist we “pump our fists like champs” and we boogie on down to “Satisfaction.” The downside is this led HIN to absolutely INSIST that we take a Jameson shot after this. Fuck. I should have known better. At some point during this time I went to fill up my cup, so I chased the shot with the keg beer (no idea what it was, by the way… some sort of adjunct lager). We’re a few hours and a good number of drinks in so this party is starting to get wild!

11:15pm: Again, it’s going down right now. I’m off the floor and mention I’ve got to “piss” (I’m used to calling it potty around my child, but he’s not here and I’m drunk), to which HIN says “ME TOO LET’S GO BUT DON’T CROSS THE STREAMS HAHAHA!” I am unsure in the moment if he is actually going to follow me into the bathroom to pee at the same time because you never know sometimes with him. However, he did not follow me. I do my business and head back, to which I later am asked by the fellow academic to be a beer pong partner because of the coincidence of us both being professors at the same school. I accept but say we need to come up with some team name. After pitching a few name back and forth which I don’t remember and which probably weren’t any good, we ended up on “Six Degrees.” So we went to play against Katie and some woman with a Disney princess costume. I should have also mentioned, fellow academic woman had a Pirates of the Caribbean costume, and Katie had some sort of Freddy Krueger getup. We won pretty easily because Katie and the Disney princess lady we pretty awful at it. They landed two whole shots. We high five after winning and bail from the table so some other people can get a game of beer pong in and chat a little bit. During the conversation I remember Lincoln saying he and Olivia would be heading out a little after midnight so I wanted to catch them before they left. I ask where they went and Katie mentions a few folks were going to get a fire going on outside. 

In retrospect, a bunch of drunk people starting a fire in the backyard probably isn’t the greatest idea in the world. But I guess Italian the Mountain mostly took care of it, and he didn’t appear to be drinking much/is huge so it probably takes a decent amount to get him drunk. That and it was controlled in a pit with a cage. Anyway, Russian scholar lady accompanies me out there to see if her husband is out there. Turns out Lincoln and Olivia, Russian scholar lady’s husband (also in a Pirates of the Caribbean costume, by the way), HIN, Italian the Mountain, Garfield the cat, the dinosaur, and the referee are all hanging out around the fire. It’s a little cold out so I don’t see them or myself staying outside all that long, but that’s beside the point. One of the first things I notice is HIN has a beer cup and a big piece of bread. I ask him what the deal with that is and he informs me he is “CARB LOADING HAHAHA!” but then more seriously tells me “BRO I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS LATELY BUT WHEN I’M PARTYING AND DRINKING I JUST NEED TO EAT BREAD.” So, uh, yeah. Alright. We’re all just hanging around the fire having a casual chat when at some point a guy with a vampire costume approaches, says hi to HIN and asks who made the fire. HIN points to me and I’m confused, to which he explains to the vampire that I “ATE THE FLOWER AND IT GAVE HIM FIRE POWERS AND SHIT!” Now I get it, so I say it’s true and I fake shoot fireballs like Luigi would do in the game and even make little “blip!” sounds every time I do it which HIN found absolutely hilarious. 

12:10am: A number of us begin to head back in because even with the fire going it’s still pretty cold outside. Lincoln and Olivia say they’re probably going to head home soon. Not really thinking it through, I say “Yeah, I probably will head home too in about an hour. Hey wait we never did make an Italian car bomb.”

“HEY THAT’S RIGHT YO WE GOTTA DO THAT LET’S GO INTO THE KITCHEN!” HIN exclaims, practically shoving us in there.

“ALRIGHT WHAT GOES IN IT WHAT DO WE DO YO YOU’RE THE PROFESSOR YOU GOTTA KNOW SOMETHING HAHAHA!”

I’m kind of taken aback because I’m kind of drunk and aside from just randomly remembering the Italian car bomb that was brought up when I first got there, I wasn’t really sure. So I’m thinking a little bit. During this time I think of this show I really enjoy called Joe Pera Talks With You and how he refers to Disaronno liqueur as “Disarooni.” So I suggest the bomb part is Disarooni, to which HIN laughs at and says “BRO COME ON IT’S CALLED DISAROONI I MEAN SHIT BRO YOU GOT ME ALL CONFUSED NOW IT’S DISARONNO!” I explain the joke and show and much like him finding out about Rick and Morty at the last party, he now has a new show that he says he’s going to watch. But now we have to decide what else goes into it. We all can’t really agree about the type of beer to use, although 2/4 of us agree that Guinness might be the best choice. That’s when I have an idea!

“I actually have some Peroni at my house that I could bring over so we can do this!” I say.

“NO WAY BRO AND THAT’S ITALIAN HAHAHA YOU’RE GONNA BE THE HERO OF THE PARTY GO GET IT HAHAHA!” says HIN.

Lincoln and Olivia are also in agreement, so I say I’ll be back in like 10-15 minutes. 

So as a side note, usually when I buy beer I’ll buy a couple of neat craft beers and then a weaker adjunct lager because I’ll want to have a few, but I don’t need to throw back multiple 7% beers, so I cap it off the night with something light in the end when I’m drinking at home. So I had gone to this great craft beer store in my city on Thursday to get some stuff not only for this party, but also because I wanted to kick back a few drinks while watching the Packers/Cardinals game the Thursday prior to the party. I picked up the Southern Tier Pumking, Three Floyd’s Laser Snake, and Bear Republic Racer 5. Then it was time to pick something weak and it was between Peroni and Smithwicks. I opted for Peroni for no reason other than it was cheaper not knowing it would lead to this party moment.

Back to the store, I walk back over by my house and come in. As usual my dog is super happy to see me which is why I quoted them as 10-15 minutes for me to return despite living like 100 feet away from HIN. So I pet him and he’s all excited, when my wife wakes up to use the restroom and briefly comes downstairs to say hi. She assumes I’m home for the evening but I say I’m going back over there for a little while because we have to do Italian car bombs. She has a look of both confusion and slight irritation. Whatever, I need to be the hero of the party. Plus I held down the house for two and a half days without you during the summer for a bachelorette thing, this is only one night. I have to do this Italian car bomb! I grab the six pack (five beers remaining in the pack), say I’ll be home and in bed in like 45 minutes, give my dog one last little bit of petting and head back out the door.

12:35am: I return to the party to do these Italian car bombs. HIN is absolutely ECSTATIC that I’ve finally returned and said it felt like an eternity and he had to convince Lincoln and Olivia to stay/they almost left. Because I have five beers and there are four of us, HIN invites Italian the Mountain over. We open our Peronis, pour them into our cups, grab our Disaronno shots, drop them, cheers, and chug away! High fives all around. I don’t remember whether or not it was any good or whether or not the others liked it. I guess it was more about the journey rather than the taste.

“BRO YOU’RE THE FREAKIN’ HERO OF THE PARTY HAHAHAHA!” reiterates HIN.

He has a smart fridge with music apps on it, so he turns on “We Are the Champions” by Queen and once again reiterates that I am the hero of the party and then shouts it loudly so other can here. At this point he insists I get on his shoulders to be hailed as a hero. There’s no way this doesn’t end in him tripping and giving me a concussion, so I suggest he show his gratitude with something that has less than a non-zero chance of killing me. He says he’ll go find the title belt. A few moments later he comes back with the referee guy, I put the belt on and I am declared by HIN the hero of the party as he raises my arm. Lincoln, Olivia, Katie, Italian the Mountain, and referee guy all clap. Immediately after Lincoln and Olivia make note it’s getting really late and they need to get going. They have a few pleasant exchanges with other folks and make their exit.

Afterwards I briefly struck up conversation with the referee guy. As it turns out he used to do some breakdancing stuff which is why his moves beat out everyone else. Anyway, the fellow professor taps me on my shoulder and tells me she and her husband are leaving in a moment and just reiterated it was a really neat coincidence to meet one another. I agree and say maybe one day we’ll be on the same university-wide service committee or something. At which point I say that I should also probably head out for the evening. So I say bye to them and the referee and go to look for HIN. He’s hanging out with Garfield the cat, the dinosaur, and a Batman. He laments that I am leaving now because he was going to spray Italian the Mountain with silly string in a little while (why does he keep doing this?). He requests I “BRING IT IN FOR A HUG.” I do, and he reiterates that I am the hero of the party.

1:00am: In the words of HIN: BRO I AM FREAKIN’ TIRED AND DRUNK HAHAHA. I get in, dog is excited again, and give him some pets. I chug a ton of water, grab a Gatorade zero from the fridge, one more pet for the dog, and I go upstairs. I pee for like an entire minute, take out my contacts, and put my glasses on. I really quickly do my evening grooming because I’m just done for the night. Take of my Luigi costume and throw it in towel hamper outside of the bathroom because I’ll just deal with it tomorrow and head into bed. I swear I must’ve fallen asleep in like two minutes.

Sunday, October 31st at 5:30pm: Trick or treating is happening today. My child is now age appropriate to go and understand it, so it’s his first trick or treating. Needless to say though, when he napped that day, I also needed a nap. First house he goes to is HIN who greets us with a warm smile and says “HEY IT’S THE HERO OF THE PARTY HAHAHA HAPPY HALLOWEEN!” I ask my kid what he should say. He says trick or treat and is handed a few candies. I ask my kid what he should say. He says thank you. Then the following happens.

“YOUR WELCOME PAL HAPPY HALLOWEEN! TAKE CARE HERO OF THE PARTY HAHAHA!” he says.

“Hero of party?” my child asks.

“YEAH YOUR DAD WAS THE HERO OF THE PARTY!” HIN says

“Yeah!” my son yells. He points at me and says “You are hero of party!”

And for the next few days my child called me the hero of the party.

*The scene fades and the credits begin to roll to the tune of Flashlight by Parliament*